Don’t Quit magnet

Don't Quit magnet

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit

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Your gifts are …

Your gifts are wrapped in strings

that i dont have the strength to untie anymore

i feel awkward near you



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into life i gos…

into life i go

stumbling mess victorious day

all i have to show

crumbling fate deleterious day

im losing my way 

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I am so tired of myself. I am tired of trying to be a better person and live a better life only to get knocked down a peg or two. Why can’t I just be a normal reasonable adult? Why does it always seem as though I act so crazy? I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I don’t want to be depressed anymore. I want to truly give to others instead of feeling as though I only take. I am shut into a house that is in sore need of repair with two small children who are dependent upon me for their every need. I am so exhausted. And I am so tired of feeling as though I look like such a pathetic wreck to others. I am tired of the bills I try to pay but do not have the money for. I am tired of picking up after my husband. I am tired of feeling like a failure. I am tired of feeling as though I am found lacking when compared to others. Please, God, if you are there, please let some sunshine in. Please, could I have some relief from all of this pain?

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A Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Nikki,
Someday it will not matter that you finished your thesis. Yet if you don’t you will not be where you need to be in life. You think that impressing people means being someone that you are not. In truth, you will find your truest friends and your truest self, by just being authentically you. And you are impressive enough without the embellishments and small white lies. You will find that romance novels are pallid compared to real life. Surprisingly, they will leave your pallet rather sour. Life is tougher now than it was then. But you are stronger. You have learned to work through your problems and face the challenges head-on. You will meet and marry a man that the current you would not even glance at twice. His hands are made for heavy labor, and his mind is not as educated as yours. But his heart is twice the size of yours. The day you marry him you will have a sense of the eternal. You will also have that sense at the birth of each of your children. YES, You have children! Where did the time go? It seems only yesterday I was you. There is a reason you feel dissatisfied with your life as it is. You were not meant to be doing what you are now. But keep doing it! Because without that experience you would not be the woman you are today. I cannot tell you that you will love yourself so much more. But you have learned to forgive yourself and others more. You are learning. Please let yourself fly and don’t forget to love yourself a little.

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Motherhood is not my thing, really. I just live it, everyday, trying not to regret it, each day. Selfishness consumes me all too often. I love them, though, more than myself. They are my life’s reason, my pride and joy, my full heart’s greatest love. I remember, in vivid detail, my children’s births. I have seen these little people wake up to the world each day. And each day I fall in love with them a little more. They amaze me, frustrate me, anger me, console me, and know me – as their mother. Imperfect, sometimes screaming mad, kissing wounds, playing blocks, feeding snacks, crying with them, always with them. I am a mother. I am their mother. Nothing more, nothing less.

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i hear the ticking clock

I hear the ticking clock
And the baby’s waking cries
As I sip coffee, black
Before the morning arrives

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